Yesterday I posted as my facebook status:
"Nothing makes an educated adult feel like a bumbling idiot quite like Orientation."
Which prompted one of my former Braintrustees to ask, why?
Oh, Poncho, the glory of being you right now... so blissfully ignorant of how unfathomably shitty the real world is across the threshold of adolescence. Enjoy your senior year, because it is the last taste of childhood you're ever going to get. So, because I love you and your fellow Braintrustees, I am going to drop some knowledge on you that you're not going to be told about. It won't protect you, but at least it may help you brace for the initial impact.
There are very few experiences worse than the first month at a new job.
I mean, it's up there on the list with things like dismemberment and Justin Beiber concerts.
Sure, don't get me wrong, there are plenty of upsides-- new friends, new opportunities, yada yada, optimistic statements go here. But, starting a new job is lot like moving (unfortunately, they often go hand in hand).
Getting through the first month is akin to torture.
First of all, you don't know anyone, or perhaps you're lucky enough to know a few people, or perhaps only one, but it seems like they are never around when you need them. In my case, I did not know a single person prior to entering the building and shaking their hands. Now, I love meeting new people, but it's also a very anxious process for me. I'm eccentric, and it ain't no secret. So, when meeting new people, I have to really dial back on my Professional Weirdness. And, it's fucking hard, man. Trying not to talk is the hardest thing-- it's like my brain wants to make jokes worse than any other inappropriate time in my life. Humor is my defense mechanism, and sarcasm is the default setting on the 1986 model Bekki, so it's like my brain goes into overdrive and I can't shut it off. Then, it gets to the point where all I want to do is hear my own voice because it is the only thing familiar to me in this situation, and fuck, we're off to the races ladies and gentlemen. But, if you're not a complete mental case like myself, you're just going to have to deal with the problem of remembering a hundred new names and faces. In the case of being a teacher, I have to learn all my co-workers names, and then next week turn around and learn a hundred plus more when I meet my students. Name remembering is exhausting. Plus, in the case of my own name, I am going to spend the next three months correcting my misspelled name from "Becky" and "Rebecca" to it's proper spellings.
Then, there is the fact you don't know anything about your new job-- the atmosphere, the protocols, where the hell ANYTHING is located. It's a whole mess of uncertainty wrapped up in a tortilla frustration. Throw on top of that hours and hours of tedious yet necessary paperwork setting up insurance and direct deposits, and you end up having a million questions. You start to feel like the neediest, most impatient person on the planet because you don't have anything you need yet and you have to ask for it. And, even though everyone is super gracious, throwing out offers of help from every direction and telling you to come to them if you have any questions, some part deep, deep down inside of you believes there is a max cap to their kindness that is going to be stretched to the limit by your needs.
And, just when you don't think you can sit through another meeting or sign your given name one more time, because of the mind splitting migraine pulsating through your cranium, in comes the gut-wreching fear you can't handle this job. This feeling is usually immediate precedes any discussion of your expectations and responsibilities. Suddenly, submitting lesson plans once a week or updating eligibility on Thursday mornings seems like a an insurmountable task. How can you possibly fit that in on top of all the OTHER new crap you have to remember? If you can remember that, what are you going to eject from your brain to fit it in-- the secretary's name, your parking spot, the password you just wrote down six times? Who knows if it will even be work related? Remembering to come fifteen minutes early once a week for hallway duty might push out the date of your parents anniversary or knowing the 3rd Amendment!
Now, let me be very clear-- I am not venting because I feel I have been unfairly treated or neglected. That could not be further from the case. My admins, support staff, and colleagues have bent over backwards to get all of us newbies settling in comfortably. I have a really good feeling about my place there. It's just that I am exhausted. All the terrible that comes from starting a new job compounds into a soul crushing weight of fear and awkwardness that just hangs off your shoulders. It's mentally and physically exhausting, and yet, keeps your mind from settling enough to get a decent night's sleep. My brain and body are running with the gas light on at this point, and if I sleep tonight like I have during the last two nights, I'll be lucky if I have fumes left to run on tomorrow.
In conclusion:
(Awkwardness + Fear) x Sleep Deprivation = Temporary Stupid Mode
There is nothing in this world I hate more than looking and sounding like an absolute idiot. But, that is exactly what Orientation turns a human being into, sadly.
So, that, my dear Poncho, is why nothing makes an educated adult feel like a bumbling idiot quite like Orientation.
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