The Accidental Threesome

Last night, a cursory search of the new additions to NetFlix revealed that they had finally placed How I Met Your Mother on Watch Instantly. So, I added it to the Instant Queue, and waited for Wyatt to get home from Jam Night at Kyle's so we could watch a few episodes of the last season, which we have yet to see. A few episodes turned into ten or more, and we didn't end up going to bed until after four in the morning. Nothing really for Wyatt, working third shift, but I had woken up early that day and was approaching twenty-four hours of straight awakeness. I was beginning to get a headache when we laid done. I did not take anything for it though because I figured it was just my body trying to tell me, "Hey Lady! This sharp pulsing pain in the middle of your brain is a warning alarm. Your brain will shut down in approximately ten minutes if you don't go to fucking bed." That being said, I was approaching a point we will call... cranky... yeah, that's the word we'll go with.

While lying in bed, I made the mistake of asking Wyatt a question. It was a mistake for two reasons. Reason 1-- I already knew the answer. Reason 2-- I knew the answer annoys Wyatt, but he refuses to do anything about it, because Wyatt is the guy that just sits back and lets shit roll. Shit that should not roll. Shit that should be addressed by adults, because we are mature-- well, that is a malleable term in my case, but I digress-- and sometimes you have to say things to people that they need to hear. Things that they don't want to hear, and sometimes, that you don't even want to say. But that is part of what being an adult is-- doing stuff you don't like or are uncomfortable with. It builds character and makes you stronger, even if you whinge about it a lot.

Well, I tried to make this point, and Wyatt took the route of just picking on me as a response. For some unknown to me reason, he thinks this is cute. He thinks this is flirting. This is not flirting. Trying to annoy someone to the point they fight with you is not flirting. Flirting requires wit.

My response to his taunting, "If you're going to pick on me, can't you at least try to be flirty about it? Why can't you be clever with your brain?"

Yes. There is no need to point out the irony in that sentence, because as previously stated, I had been up for almost twenty-four hours. Did I mentioned we had done a little drinking? No, I forgot that. We had been drinking. My brain was flushed with two drinks and deprived of sleep. No one was expecting me to be clever with my brain. I wasn't the one on trial here-- Wyatt was.

I don't want to be picked on like some third grade girl. Wyatt seems to have digressed from when we were first dating in his affection and flirting ability. He used to do amazingly romantic things, like the time he drove all the way from Bloomington-- sixty miles-- in a fucking blizzard to follow me home from school and make sure I was safe. Um. Sploosh. Flash forward seven years later, and Wyatt thinks flirting and romance is pissing me off to the point I want to punch him, because to him it is fun. I think we are both past the "I pick on you because I like you stage". If we are going to pick on each other, can't we at least be sexy about it? Can't we banter? I don't want Calvin hitting Susie with a water balloon type of flirting. I want the Doctor and River kind of flirting. Back and forth, tit for tat, clever with your brain kind of stuff. Sure, that might annoy me a little, but it also hot.

Doctor: River you have that face on again.
River: What face is that Doctor?
Doctor: The he's hot when he's clever face.
River: This is my normal face, Doctor.
Doctor: Precisely. (Sexy smirk)

SPLOOOSH! Hot. Take some notes.

But, because he is Wyatt, his response to Why can't you be clever with your brain? was to, without a word, simple roll over on top of me to squish me until I could not breathe.

For the rest of my life, I will always be Susie I guess. So, as I laid there, under hundred of pounds of my husband, oxygen squeezing slowly from my flattened lungs, using up whatever excess I had to kind of struggle, blinded by the sleep mask I could not remove because my arms are pinned under his weight, I hear:

"Are you licking my shoulder!?"

WTF? "No. My mouth is close to your shoulder, but I am definitely not licking it!"

Still blinded, I hear, "Damn it, Moe!"

A that point Wyatt lifts up, and says "Look."

Finally able to move, and breathe, I removed my mask to see that Moe had silently hopped into Wyatt's spot on the bed that he had vacated to squish me. While Wyatt laid on top of me, Moe was licking him shoulders from behind.

Last night I discovered my dog is better at flirting that my husband.

An argument only my husband and I could have...

While cleaning the house yesterday in preparation for Darryl's birthday poker game, Wyatt and I were each cleaning while something educational was on television. During one of the commercial breaks a commercial for a travel show I have watched occasionally called Rick Steves' Europe came on. Rick Steves is a famous travel guy who does travels shows in which he travels. Occasionally he writes books about it too. Anyway, Rick was going to Iran in the next episode, and this made me pause because I had to make fun of the fact that Iran is not located Europe. It made me laugh and I commented about it. And, this point is where I made the unfortunate mistake of allowing this comment to lead into the following conversation. (The following is a paraphrased transcript of what I can remember about this unbelievably stupid conversation.)

Bekki- "Well, obviously Rick Steves' doesn't know much about geography, because last time I checked, Iran is in the Middle East, not in Europe."

Wyatt- "Yes it is.

Bekki- "What? No it's not. It's on a completely different continent."

Wyatt-- trying to be condescending, "Bekki, where is the Middle East? What continent is it on?"

Bekki-- "It's in Asia, Wyatt. The show is called Rick Steves' "EUROPE". They are going to another continent that is not Europe.

Wyatt-- A little more condescending sounding, not sure why because his comments are so completely non-sensical, "So, it's not really Middle East then is it?"

Bekki- "Yes it IS! That is the regional term."

Wyatt- "Well it can't be the Middle East if it's in Asia. You're not talking about a regional term, you were talking about a continent."

Bekki, who is utterly lost at this point, near face-palming, "What the fuck are you talking about? Where do we live? We live in the Mid-West, which is on the North American Continent. Just because the region is in North America doesn't mean it's not referred to as the Mid-West. That's the regional term."

Wyatt, still continuing with this ludacris conversation for reasons unknown to intelligent beings, "But you weren't talking about the region, you were talking about the continent."

Bekki- "REGARDLESS OF THE WORDING I USED, THE POINT REMAINS THAT IRAN IS NOT IN FUCKING EUROPE!

Wyatt- "Yeah, but it's close by."

This is the point in the conversation in which I resort to drinking in case this conversation continues.